CW: body image
The Wicked Wednesday prompt for this week is Flaunt. I wasn’t going to write anything for this, as I didn’t think I had anything to flaunt. However, May More encouraged me to take a picture of myself in lingerie for Lingerie Is For Everyone and after I had taken a few pictures, I realised I did have something to flaunt. I could flaunt my ass!
I have a complicated relationship with my body. When I was in my twenties, I looked stunning. Skinny, beautiful shape, and even though my breasts were on the smaller side, I loved my body. Over time, though, my body started to change. Age, illness, children and menopause all conspired to change my body from a fit young woman to an ageing one. I put on weight, had to buy clothes a larger size and started to feel horrible about it all.
Nowadays, I feel very insecure about my body. Where I used to flaunt it, I now try to hide it. Even though my husband goes crazy (in a good way!) if I wear tight and/or revealing clothes, I have a hard time feeling good in them. I see my soft belly and big ass and cringe that this is now my body. I feel like I have let myself go. That if I only worked out more, ate healthier, drank less alcohol (haha!) I would look better, be hotter.
This negative self-image isn’t helped when I see other sex bloggers post pictures of themselves nude or in beautiful lingerie. The afore-mentioned May is gorgeous and super fit. Nikki is one of the most beautiful women I know and I drool over her sexy pictures. Molly takes the most amazing pictures of herself and I’m always in awe of how beautiful she is. The list goes on. Whenever I see these, and many more, women post their pictures on Twitter, or on their blogs, I feel like I should just crawl underneath the covers and hide. No one wants to see my hideous body, marked with cellulite, scars and stretch marks.
However, these insecurities are all bullshit. I know it. I knew it the other day when my friend Tanya asked on Twitter if anyone had a favourite porn star. I don’t watch porn enough to have a favourite star, but I do have a favourite type. I like seeing women who are in their forties (like me) with thick thighs and large boobs and soft tummies. I prefer them over any other porn stars. Likewise when I see sex bloggers post pictures of themselves. I gravitate more towards those whose bodies are softer and rounder. I LOVE women like that.
Part of the issue is that I am still conditioned to think that “the world” or men, in general, like women who adhere to society’s standard of beauty. Skinny, smooth skin, big boobs. That’s not something I can offer. And so I don’t think my pictures have any place on my blog, or on Twitter, despite the positive feedback I receive every time I post sexy selfies.
Social conditioning is insidious. A few months ago I tried to break my own social conditioning by taking nude and semi-nude selfies. With each picture I took, my self-esteem rose. What I saw on my camera (even before I touched up my pictures) was a sexy, confident woman who loved to flaunt her body. It was an entirely different woman from how I felt. Seeing myself in a different light and from different angles (let’s face it: when else can you see your ass that well?) made me realise that I am not hideous. I’m sexy, even if my skin isn’t perfectly smooth. Even if I have rolls when I sit down. Even if my thighs touch when I walk.
I owe a huge thank-you to May who encouraged me to take pictures for this week’s Lingerie Is For Everyone. Taking these pictures reminded me again that I have a gorgeous body and a great ass. An ass that I love to flaunt. I don’t generally like pictures of myself on my blog, so I may not become a regular at Lingerie Is For Everyone, but I will definitely keep taking sexy selfies. It’s good for my self-esteem and it reminds me that despite all I have been through, my body is gorgeous and sexy.
To read others’ thoughts on the Wicked Wednesday prompt, or to read other blog posts for January Jumpstart, click on the badges below.
It’s the roaring twenties.
Desperate to escape the stifling confines of her life with her aunt and uncle in New York, Jane Travers arrives at her friend Rachel’s country home determined to enjoy a summer full of fun and excitement. Rachel has promised her risqué parties, but what awaits Jane is beyond her wildest dreams. Guided by her old flame, Sidney Fitzroy, and the sensual singer Lillian Smith, Jane enthusiastically embarks on a journey of sexual self-discovery.
With Sidney and Lillian both satisfying her deepest desires, Jane sheds her restrictive upbringing and embraces her newfound freedom. As her feelings for both Lillian and Sidney intensify, Jane faces an impossible choice: a stable future with Sidney or a lifetime of excitement with Lillian.
But how can she choose when her heart belongs to both of them?