There is no such thing as foreplay

Generally speaking my husband and I are fairly vanilla when it comes to sex. Sure, we have experimented a bit with bondage, but we often can’t bother to get out the restraints, so when we “do the deed” we often default to the missionary position.

Let me rephrase this: during PIV (penis in vagina) sex we default to the missionary position. There are various reasons for this, but the most prevailing reason is that this is most pleasurable for me. Hubby doesn’t mind this position either, although we do switch up sometimes.

For a LONG time I felt really bad about only having sex in the missionary position. What was wrong with me? There are so many amazing sex positions available, why did we always default to missionary? In this day and age, what kind of sex positive person likes boring missionary sex? Fuck, I hate all those stupid articles which feel the need to tell you how to have sex. There is no one way to have sex, no “perfect” way to do it. Everyone is different.

Which brings me – in a roundabout way – to the concept of foreplay. Because I tend to judge my sexual exploits based on what position we use during PIV sex. But there is more to sex than just that. Which is why I wish that the myth of foreplay would die a fiery death. There is no such thing as foreplay. Foreplay is a misogynistic concept. Foreplay refers to the sexual actions that precedes traditional, cis-heteronormative PIV sex. Why shouldn’t we call ALL sexual actions sex? Why is the PIV event considered to be the only important sex act?

You want to know when I have my biggest orgasms? During oral and fingering, before my husband’s cock has even approached my pussy. Sometimes sex toys are involved. My husband always makes sure I have about 3 orgasms before we even get to what people would call “sex”. Don’t dare tell me that this part of our sexual activities is less important or inferior to the actual sex act of PIV. Because if you call everything besides PIV sex “foreplay”, then you believe that women’s orgasms don’t matter. Many women don’t orgasm during PIV, so in those cases, this act is really for the male participant. If we only call PIV “sex”, then we prioritise male orgasms.

When my husband and I have sex, we take about an hour (give or take). Only about 20 minutes of that is spent having PIV sex, the rest consist of oral, fingering, hand jobs, massages etc. You can fill in the rest. And sometimes PIV doesn’t even happen at all. Does that mean we haven’t had sex? Even if only one of us has an orgasm (and trust me, I ALWAYS orgasm), we still had sex.

As part of my increasing involvement with #iTalkSex empowering women to celebrate their sexuality, I propose to remove the concept of foreplay from our vocabulary and society. Let’s just call it sex, glorious sex in which female and male pleasure has an equal place. Sex where people of all genders can enjoy themselves and be entitled to as many orgasms as they can get. Sex where it doesn’t matter if you have a penis or a pussy or what you do with either of them.

When my husband touches my pussy, I call it sex. Foreplay doesn’t exist for me, and it shouldn’t exist for anyone else either. Who’s with me in banning the concept of foreplay?

One thought on “There is no such thing as foreplay”

  1. Yes! Indeed! Until you said this I don’t know if I’d thought about it properl, but all the ‘lead up’ to actual sex is still sex. “Heavy Petting” as it used to be termed, it’s all sex isn’t it. If we limit it to the penetration only then we are cutting out many ways of achieving sexual pleasure. I will stand behind your banner with you!

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