Should we feel guilty about our fantasies?

Who does not have fantasies? The title of this post is a bit of a giveaway, because most people will answer a resounding ‘no’. No, you should not feel guilty about your fantasies, not even sexual ones. But it’s not that simple, is it?

Fantasies are liberating

Fantasies allow us to explore our wants and desires in a safe setting. And yet, when those fantasies are different from what we perceive as the norm, we can feel quite guilty about having them. During a particularly bad patch of low libido in my life, the only thing that could make me even slightly aroused was a fantasy about having sex with a bossy woman. Fantasising about this woman ordering me to spread my legs, and fingering me (or using a dildo on me) got me in the mood for sex, which was a good thing. But I felt so guilty about it. I felt that something was wrong with me for fantasising about sex with a woman. After all, I was happily married to a man, I shouldn’t get aroused by an imaginary woman. I know now that I am bisexual and fantasising about a woman is not weird, but perfectly normal. After all, it’s not like I actually considered leaving my husband for another woman. I just wanted to be aroused enough to have sex.

Forbidden fantasies

What about more controversial fantasies though? Those of hardcore sadism or masochism? Cara Sutra has written a good blog post about that on her blog, so I am not going to spend much time discussing those particular fantasies. But I recently had a chat with a friend about a different sort of ‘forbidden’ fantasy: incest fantasy. The fantasy of being introduced to the world of sex by a parent (mother or father) is not that uncommon. Just trawl through Twitter a bit and you will notice many women pretend to be rewarded (or punished) by “daddy” with sex. The key to keep in mind is that these are not girls (and boys) wanting to have sex with their actual parents. These are adults of consenting age who (would like to) engage in role playing in which they are the innocent young girl or boy. The two important points are: we are talking about consenting adults and about role playing.

Fantasies are personal

The final point I want to make is that fantasies are personal. No one should make you feel bad about what you fantasise about while having sex or masturbating. If it turns you on, then great. As long as consent is involved between two adults (even in your fantasies – you shouldn’t want to actually rape someone!) and you keep in mind that these are fantasies, then indulge yourself. If you find a partner who would like to role play your fantasy with you – even better! I know I am not going to stop fantasising about bossy women, but I am going to stop feeling guilty about it.

Summer 100 Sex blogger challenge

This post is part of the Summer 100 sex blogger challenge. Check out some of the other participants:

Lance looks at how we are pleasure seekers and shouldn’t settle for less than perfect.

Alex has an article with great advice on asking for what you want sexually in a relationship.


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