Losing my virginity wasn’t special

I was nineteen when I lost my virginity. I was raised in a conservative Christian household and as such I was taught not to have sex before marriage. My virginity was a “gift” I should save for my husband. It would be a very special occasion for us both when I finally lost my virginity. No one ever mentioned my future husband’s virginity or even whether he would be a virgin. And sex education was, of course, pretty much non-existent.

I did not lose my virginity to my now husband. I was with a different boyfriend when I was 19. He was 9 years my senior and while that in itself isn’t an issue, I was so cringingly naive that the real age difference might as well have been 20 years. I had never experienced any sexual activities, so it was a real eye opener for me when we progressed past kissing and into fooling around. I couldn’t believe how good it felt when he rubbed my nipples and, later on, my pussy through my pants.

I absolutely loved fooling around and I justified my sexual escapades in my own mind by clinging to my virginity. We had not gone “all the way”, and therefore everything was fine. It didn’t matter that we had made each other come already a few times and that we may as well be having sex; my restrictive upbringing had imprinted on me that my virginity was key.

My hold on my virginity didn’t last long. One thing led to another, as these things tend to do, and before long we were going “all the way”. My boyfriend was leaving the country and I wanted our last night together to be very special. So I decided to give him my virginity. (Yes, I still cringe at how innocent (and stupid) I was!) We had extremely unglamorous sex in a not-at-all sound proof room, which hurt for the most part. But I had finally lost my virginity.

I always thought that this moment would be the most special moment of my life. The moment I would give myself to a man for the first time. A moment I would remember forever. While I haven’t completely forgotten that awkward (on my part) tumble in an uncomfortable bed, I can’t say that this was the most special day of my life. It was by no means a special day in my sexual life. I couldn’t really understand what the fuss had been about.

My boyfriend and I broke up and I later met my now husband. I was still naive, but a little bit more experienced and when we had sex for the first time, it was SO much better. He knew what to do, he took it easy and he made sure I had a great time (which I did). That moment is more special to me than the moment I lost my virginity.

When we finally got married four years later, we had established that we were sexually compatible and our sex life has only gotten better over the years. The fact that I had not been a virgin before we married (and neither was he) has not had a detrimental impact on our marriage. And why would it?

It now seems strange to me that I truly believed that my virginity was special. That I should only give it to my husband on our wedding day. Of course I hadn’t had great sex education, so what else was I supposed to believe? But I am so grateful that I defied my upbringing and had sex with hubby before we were married. Because sex is such a big part of our married life. We are thankfully amazingly compatible and, as I said, our sex life is getting better every year. But it could have been so different.

young couple making out

I shudder to think how our sex life would be if we both had been virgins before we got married. That first night together: not really knowing what to do, fumbling, taking everything far too seriously. We all know that the first time is not usually great. It shouldn’t be bad, but let’s face it: if neither partner really knows what they are doing, how can it be great?

I am happy hubby had had a few sexual partners before he met me. He knew what he was doing and he was able to guide me on my own sexual journey. During our four years of dating we found out that we like the same things. We are great together and we know how to pleasure each other. Finding out that you are sexually compatible before you are married is a must, in my opinion. Not everyone likes the same things in bed, and if you don’t find that out until you are already married, then that’s a bit late, isn’t it?

Looking back at my nineteen-year old self with twenty-one years of hindsight, I cry for how uneducated I was. Celibacy is all well and good, and does have its place, but it is far better teaching teens and young adults all about sex than telling them just to abstain. Sex is a big part of life, and it is an important part of a relationship, so let’s start taking it seriously and prepare our young people for it.

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