Successful monogamy: is that possible?

Monogamy has been the status quo for a very long time and it is refreshing to see alternatives becoming more acceptable. But I feel that monogamy has gotten a bad name and as a sex blogger, I sometimes feel a bit silly for being monogamous. But my husband and I have been exclusive for 20 years (married for 16) and I don’t recognise our relationship in the staid picture of monogamy that the media usually portrays.

There are certain things you need to ensure in your relationship if you want to have successful monogamy.


Monogamy is not for everyone, but because it has been the status quo for so long, people will default to a monogamous relationship. It is therefore important that you establish early on in the relationship what sort of relationship your partner is looking for. And it is important for you to communicate what you expect from your partner. In this communication you need to be honest. If your partner does not want a monogamous relationship and you do, there is no point in continuing unless you can come to a mutually agreed compromise. Monogamy is difficult and you both need to be fully committed or it won’t work.

It is also a good idea to discuss what constitutes cheating to you. Are you happy with your partner kissing someone else? Do you draw the line at nudity? Both you and your partner need to know the ‘rules’ of the game, so to speak, otherwise they may not be aware that they are hurting you with their actions.


A very big part of successful monogamy is trust. I am so sick of society depicting monogamy as one where both partners are always suspicious of each other. You know the image: the man checking out a beautiful woman, the woman becoming jealous immediately. So many articles in magazines or on blogs preach that if you are in a monogamous relationship, you are not allowed to be friends with a member of the other sex. Or the same sex, if you are in a same sex relationship.

This is utter BS. As I said, hubby and I have been together for 20 years. Throughout that time he has had many female friends, who he has gone out with on his own. I trust him completely and it has never crossed my mind that he could be cheating on me. Similarly, I don’t get upset when he looks at a beautiful woman (half the time I am ogling right along with him, so that’s all right). And he trusts me the same way. Without this trust, we wouldn’t have a relationship anymore, because jealousy will rip you apart. If you can’t trust the person you are with, then why are you with them? Also, it’s exhausting to suspect your other half all the time.

Keep the intimacy

Another – inaccurate – “complaint” about monogamy is that the sex will get stale and boring after a while. While I agree that there is a possibility that the sex could get boring, this is by no means specific to monogamy. Or to sex, for that matter. If you practice the same workout regime at the gym for 20 years, you will get bored of that too. Sex is no different.

I myself love having sex with the same person for 20 years. It takes a lot for me to be myself around another person, let alone in bed and it has taken me years to finally be comfortable enough with him in bed to ask for what I want. My husband and I know each other intimately, and know how to please each other without fail. In the last year we have added sex toys to our repertoire and that has added a nice, extra dimension to our sex life.

The key to great sex in a monogamous relationship is to use familiarity with your partner to your advantage. I feel more at ease being adventurous with my husband than I would with a stranger. Truth be told, the thought of having sex with someone other than my husband makes me break out in a sweat, I would never be relaxed enough to enjoy myself. And having great sex even after 20 years of being with the same person relies on the two points I touched on above: trust the other person and communicate your desires and/or problems to them.

Sure, monogamy takes commitment. But it is by no means a staid, boring way of having a relationship.

2 thoughts on “Successful monogamy: is that possible?”

  1. I came across your post as Joanne linked both you and me to her Soss post today. I am very glad you wrote it. I am monogamous too and also sometimes feel a bit silly about it – being a sex blogger. My relationship has not been going as long as yours but we were friends years ago and then spent much time and effort communication too each other what we required from a monogamous relationship before we became involved. I am always going on about communication on my site as I think it is the key thing to success in whatever kind of relationship you are in.

    1. True, communication is key to a successful relationship. I wrote this article, because I am so fed up with the “people in a monogamous relationship are controlling, jealous people” trope. My husband has female friends and I trust him around them. He trusts me with my male friends. Will check out your blog too, I love these SoSS posts, I get to know so many more sex bloggers!

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