I recently became involved in the #iTalkSex campaign run by the Scarlet Ladies. They hosted a kick off evening with a life feed on Twitter on 15 September where women shared their stories about why they talk sex. I posted a few comments, but wanted to say a lot more on the subject, so here we are.
By way of background, my sexual education was practically non existent. My parents gave me the briefest explanation about how sex works practically and my school didn’t believe in SexEd. I was left thinking that sex was only for having babies within the confines of marriage. It never even occurred to me that sex could be pleasurable.
I am now 40 years old. I have been with my husband for 20 years. I met my first boyfriend when I was 19. He was 28 and knew a lot more about sex than I did (not surprisingly). My husband was my second boyfriend and I am happy to say that he DID get good sexual education. In fact, for a long time he knew more about female sexual pleasure than I did.
AND THAT IS WRONG! As much as I am grateful to my husband for knowing how to please me, it wasn’t until I started experimenting with sex toys THIS YEAR, in my 40th year of life, that I found out what I love sexually. I found out about the clitoris being larger than just the little nub. I found out that I love my vulva stimulated and that if I rub my clitoris during sex I come sooner and harder.
Now imagine my female friends and I talked about sex all the time. I could have learned all that stuff WAY sooner. I would have bought sex toys way sooner. And I would have learned a lot of other things way sooner, such as:
Having an orgasm during your period reduces cramps. There is no way I would have wanted PIV sex during my period, but I would have done anything to reduce my cramping, so a nice clitoral vibrator and a hot bath would have done wonders. I didn’t talk sex, therefore I never found out. Now it’s too late, as I don’t have a uterus anymore (not that I mind that).
Being date raped wasn’t my fault. I never told anyone about being raped by a “friend” when I was staying with him in a strange (to me) city, because I thought it was my fault for staying with him in the first place. I SO wish I had had someone to talk to about this. I have carried around this latent guilt for 20 years. It’s not until I started sex blogging that I finally stopped blaming myself.
There is no “right” way to have sex and no “right” way to have an orgasm. I would have loved to have had someone to share experiences with. I would have loved to feel less like a failure for not liking certain positions or not being able to orgasm from PIV sex alone. Which brings me to the next point:
Asking for what you want in bed is not bad. The downfall of having a husband who knows about female sexuality better than you is that you don’t ask for what you really want. For SO long I trusted that he knew what he was doing and I was unable to articulate what it was I wanted. I was also afraid of hurting his ego – ha! – and of being seen as too wanton. NONE of that was valid, as I now often grab a clitoral vibe during sex and as long as I get pleasure, hubby is happy. He wants me to ask for what I want, because giving me the maximum amount of orgasms is his priority.
Since I started sex blogging (read: since I started talking to other women about sex) I have learned so much about my own body. My own damn body that I have been walking around on this earth in for 40 years. And I am still learning and adjusting and growing.
I talk sex because I want (young) women to feel comfortable in their own skin. I want to educate women about sex, help women develop their own sexual beings and support women who have been sexually assaulted.
I have started to talk sex on this blog almost a year ago and I am still learning. But I won’t shut up.
If you want to talk to me about any sexual issues or you just want someone to listen, you can contact me through the Contact page. I’m here for you.