Sometimes it’s the things we didn’t do that we regret more than the things we did do. And there is one thing I am thinking of in particular that I regret not having done. As the f4tFriday prompt is mistakes, I want to talk about the mistake I should have made.
I was in my early twenties and I was visiting my then-boyfriend, now-husband in his university town. As is the custom when you’re a student, on Friday night we went out. It could have been Saturday night, I don’t really remember what night it was, this was almost 20 years ago! Either way, we went out to a club to go dancing. It was my boyfriend and I and a couple of his friends. We were quite a small group.
We met a few people in the club and started dancing with them. One of them was a lovely, gorgeous woman named Gemma. I will never forget her. (Considering it’s been almost 20 years and I still think about her almost daily I feel confident about that statement.) She was tall, blonde, really friendly and…she kissed me. At this moment in my life I had never been kissed by a woman. I had no idea I was bi (that realisation didn’t come until two years ago). But when Gemma kissed me I fell a little bit in love with her. My boyfriend and his (male) friends were gobsmacked and acted like typical 20-year old young men. They ogled the action and I’m sure they found it all very arousing.
I was acutely aware of the fact that I was in a relationship and my boyfriend was standing right there. I didn’t want to cheat on him, but he seemed cool with us kissing, so I wasn’t going to be the first one breaking it off. I loved kissing Gemma. Her lips were soft and she tasted like heaven. Feeling her breasts pushed against mine as we kissed was a major turn on. I seriously don’t understand why I didn’t put two and two together at the time and realised I was bisexual. Maybe because I had never even heard of bisexuality. Anyhow, after a while we did come up for air and Gemma announced she needed to go to the bathroom. I actually could take a hint back in those days, so I said I needed to go too. We left the boys standing with their mouths open and went to the bathroom.
Now, this is the moment I could have done the thing that I would have (maybe) regretted later. Gemma pulled me into the bathroom and started kissing me again. I eagerly responded and we started making out. Her hands were underneath my shirt and mine underneath hers. Her breasts were amazing and her nipples so responsive. She drew me closer, but as her hands wandered down towards my skirt I panicked. I didn’t exactly push her away, but I stepped back and mumbled something about having to go. I all but fled the bathroom.
Gemma clearly wanted to take things further. And as a 40(ish)-year old bisexual woman I am screaming at myself for not having let Gemma lead me to wherever she wanted to go. Would we have had all-out sex? Unlikely, as we were in the bathroom of a club, but who knows? I don’t know, I will never know.
Part of me thinks that it’s for the best I didn’t let Gemma go any further. That’s the reasonable part of my brain. It tells me that I had a boyfriend at the time. And he was already uncomfortable with me kissing a woman, so he wouldn’t have been cool had he found out things had gone even further. You could argue that I could have lied and kept it a secret from him, but that wouldn’t have been a good idea. And considering I married him and we are really happy together, I am happy that I didn’t let Gemma break that up.
On the other hand… As much as it would have been a mistake to kiss Gemma, it’s a mistake I would have loved to have made. I will not likely ever get a chance like that again. And it may have made me realise that I am bi back then, rather than nearly two decades later. I can still feel her lips on mine when I close my eyes. I can smell her. I knew nothing about her, I don’t even remember who she was with at the club. I don’t know her last name or if Gemma was really her real name. But she was the closest I’ve ever been to a sexual encounter with a woman and I regret not making the mistake of fooling around with her more.
Does that make me a bad person?