Self doubt and anxiety: a match made in hell

I like to think of myself as a confident woman. I don’t really give many fucks about what people think of me. I dye my hair purple and wear Doc Martens boots to work, a very conservative office work environment. But when it comes to my writing and blogging, self doubt overwhelms me.

I love writing and blogging. I also don’t think I am particularly bad at it. I have received a lot of positive feedback on my writing throughout the years, from people who know what they are talking about. But yet, I still experience moments of intense self doubt. A voice in my head which tells me I am useless, far less successful than any other sex blogger out there. So useless at writing fiction that I may as well give up.

It got so bad over the last months that I gave up writing my novel altogether. What was the point? It was never going to be any good anyhow. I deeply regretted signing up for the Smut Marathon as I would be kicked out in the first round anyhow. I had to stay away from Twitter so I wouldn’t have to be reminded how less successful than anyone else I was. Every time a #SoSS post came up that didn’t link back to me, I felt it as more evidence that I was rubbish and shouldn’t bother writing anymore.

Of course, the more my brain told me I was rubbish, the harder it was to write, only reinforcing my own belief that I was rubbish at writing. This is not an uncommon occurrence for me. I am always able to pull myself out of the pit of self doubt and anxiety eventually, but I need to be very careful not to let anything trigger it again.

This time, a combination of helpful articles, the days getting longer and the weather being sunny allowed me to pull myself out of my pit of despair. It also helped that I didn’t finish completely last on the first round of the Smut Marathon. I was able to draft my piece for the second assignment for the Smut Marathon and what is more: I enjoyed writing it. I have started writing my novel again. But I still limit my exposure to Twitter so that anxiety doesn’t take hold of me again.

I am happy for my blogger friends’ successes. Their success does not mean my failure. We all live our lives on different timelines and just because I am not a published writer yet, or haven’t made money off my blog yet, doesn’t mean I might as well pack it up now. That is foolish. I go at my own pace. And if I don’t persist, I will never achieve my dream of being published. I can’t give up now, I have come too far. I just need to keep self doubt and anxiety at bay long enough to keep writing and blogging. And I am going to enjoy the journey. For, after all, the creative journey doesn’t have an end. Just a lot of stops where you may finish a project before going to the next one.

3 thoughts on “Self doubt and anxiety: a match made in hell”

  1. I definitely know how you feel! I think the majority of us go through phases of self doubt. I seem to permenantly be in one lol I do think it is one of the hardest things about maintaining a blog, trying to write and tweet etc when your confidence is in ruins. I’m glad you’re feeling more positive now as I love your blog and really feel that it stands out.
    Aurora x

  2. I am currently struggling to get back into the swing of blogging after a unexpected break. I’ve been thinking about quitting all together especially since I have a backlog of things to do but I am going to keep at it. I think you are a talented writer by the way, much more so than me! but I figure if I can manage to continue hopefully my skills will improve along with my confidence. I’m certain one day you will get the kind of recognition that makes you feel it was worth it. It can be a long road for some bloggers but the ones who keep at it are there in the end.

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