Why you should ask for an orgasm

young couple making out
A friend of mine has recently gotten out of her long term relationship and is wading back into the dating world. As she wants to explore her sexuality more (yay!) she has started having casual sex. We were talking about her experiences recently and she confessed that she is unable to orgasm through penetration alone. She asked me when she should disclose this to her sexual partners.

I think my friend is not alone in her situation. Many women are unable to orgasm through penetration alone, and we still live in a society which places the emphasis on male egos. Men have been conditioned to expect women to please and appease them. We are always careful not to let men down – rejection has become almost dangerous. The use of sex toys during intercourse is another area of contention for some men, as most men view it as an affront to their own sexual prowess.

This has all resulted in women putting their own pleasure last. As long as the man has an orgasm during sexual intercourse, the sexual encounter is deemed a success. Most men don’t even ask whether a woman had an orgasm during sex. It simply doesn’t occur to them that this may be important. Sexual encounters can then become a minefield for the women who are unable to orgasm from penetration. Should they fake their orgasms? Should they come clean and tell their partners that they are unable to orgasm?

I think women should expect an orgasm from a sexual encounter just like men. Men may have an easier time to achieve an orgasm than women, but that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible – or impossibly difficult – for women to orgasm. It just takes the right tools and the right approach. If you are only able to get an orgasm through clitoral stimulation – and preferably by means of a toy, whether it be a bullet vibe or a wand – then you should be able to ask your partner to give you an orgasm using those tools. Especially if you provide said tools, the man should not have an excuse to leave you unsatisfied.

It’s ridiculous in this day and age for a woman to consistently be unsatisfied during partnered sex, especially if she can easily orgasm during solo sex. I realise that there are many factors at play. Some women can’t relax enough during partnered sex to get an orgasm, but a lot of women know they can be satisfied by a man, as long as that man knows what he is doing. No one is born knowing exactly how to pleasure another human being. And every person is different, so what worked for one women may not work for another. Sex should not be an ego trip. I think it’s time that men learn to listen to what women want. But that is never going to happen if we don’t speak out and tell men what we want. We need to tell them what works and what doesn’t work.

Of course it is scary at first to have this conversation. You don’t want sex to become a loaded subject. But neither do you want to continue to have bad sex. And if the first time you have sex isn’t the right time to tell a man how exactly you can get an orgasm, then when is? Men aren’t going to feel any better if you tell them after ten encounters that they have been doing it wrong all this time and you haven’t been satisfied. Besides, this is not about men’s feelings. Any man who feels insulted by a woman telling him exactly how she wants to be pleasured isn’t worth having sex with. If both partners don’t walk away from a sexual encounter fully satisfied, then what is the point? Especially a casual encounter. And any man who doesn’t want to learn what makes you tick – and make sure you are as satisfied as them – isn’t worth having sex with.

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