Are you having sex? Do you enjoy it? Are you getting off? Then great, you are doing it right.
It’s such a simple statement, but why, then, is it so hard to believe? I am 40 years old and have been sexually active for 20 years. I blog about sex and have done more masturbating in the last year than I have all my life combined. But I often still feel like I am “doing it wrong.”
There really isn’t a way of doing sex wrong, as long as you are enjoying what you’re doing. But there are so many articles out there about sex, it’s making me self-conscious. Sex advice is great, but you have to remember that it is just that: advice. Not a guide, not a set of rules. Not to say that articles with sex advice are always bad, but it should be stressed that the first thing to keep in mind is to have fun.
One problem with sex advice is that it is often geared towards the fastest or best way to get an orgasm. But the emphasis on the orgasm as the defining factor of a good sex session is so damaging. I wish I had been told to just have fun when I first became sexually active. Having boyfriends ask “did you come?” put a lot of pressure on me to make sure I had an orgasm. And that pressure ensured I didn’t have an orgasm.
I am getting better at realising and remembering that the way I have sex is unique to me and is perfect. But I still feel the pressure sometimes of having sex “the right way”. I know there is no “right” way, but when I hear other sex bloggers talk about enjoying really big dildos, for example, I wonder what’s wrong with me for not liking big dildos. Or when everyone raved about the Satisfyer toys and I didn’t get on with them, I wondered why not.
Before my endometriosis got so bad that I barely had sex, I used to LOVE PIV sex. I was able to orgasm multiple times just from penetration, and hubby often got me off with clitoral stimulation as an added bonus. Then I had my hysterectomy, my libido returned and I started using sex toys. Suddenly I like clitoral stimulation a lot better than PIV sex. And, because it is different than I used to like it back in the day, I started doubting everything again. Why am I so into clitoral stimulation all of a sudden? Why is that the one thing that gets me off now?
I’m exhausted of questioning my sexual experiences all the time. I have sex frequently and I always enjoy it. I have fun and when I masturbate I generally make myself come. I don’t know why I still worry so much. I finally figured out that because I don’t have a cervix anymore I don’t enjoy PIV sex as much anymore. Nothing wrong with that; thank God for my clitoris.
So let’s do away with the notion of the orgasm being the end goal. Let’s stop telling people how to have sex, or what is acceptable. Let’s stop writing articles about “the best sex position” or “the best way to get an orgasm” and let people find their own way and explore their own likes and dislikes. And let’s promote masturbation more, as that is the best way to get to know your own body without any pressure.
So, remember: the way you are having sex is unique, amazing and perfect.