A day (evening) in the life of a sex toy reviewer

It’s Sunday evening and it’s a rare evening that my husband is out. He will be home late, so I have plenty of time to try out the backlog of toys that I need to review. I work full time and have two children, so getting time to test out sex toys is sometimes challenging. (Not to mention getting the opportunity to photograph the toys.) I lay all four toys out on the bed, along with my new favourite bullet, the We Vibe Tango. I know for sure that this will be able to get me off effectively, in case all the others fail to do the job.

I load up some erotica on my tablet and settle down for a nice read. I like to get in the mood first and it’s not long before I am starting to feel aroused. It’s always a bit of a toss up as to which toy I shall use first, but I know I can always go back to a toy if I feel it will be more effective later on. I grab the first one that comes to hand and turn it on. Nice and slow, don’t want to rush things too much, otherwise I may not have any energy left for all the toys.

I like this toy and it’s not long before the erotica is abandoned and I am really getting into it. I forget that there are three more toys waiting to be reviewed and bring myself to a quick and satisfying orgasm. Well, I guess I know how I will rate that toy. Too bad there are three more to go, but after a bit of a break I am ready to try the next one. After all, the kids are asleep and I have the whole night if need be.

After lubing up the next toy, I turn it on and press it against my pussy. I thought it sounded a bit buzzy and sure enough, the vibrations are not nice. At all. In fact, my labia feel like they are on fire, even though my clit seems to like the buzzing. Which is weird, as my clit is very fussy, but maybe it’s because I have already had an orgasm. My labia re screaming at me, though, so I abandon this toy and file the experience under “not one to recommend”.

I feel like just going for the Tango, but I need to test two more toys. Surely the next one will be better.

No. The next one is worse. It’s an insertable and I just can’t insert it, not matter how much lube I use or how much I relax. Now my vagina hurts as well. I am ready to throw in the towel. The fourth toy will have to wait. I just want to make myself come one more time with a reliable toy and then go to sleep. Surely that is not too much to ask?

I grab the Tango and try to turn it on. “Try” being the operative word, as it won’t turn on. I have had issues with the Tango before, but I complained and We Vibe had sent me a new one. After charging it, it seemed to work fine, but that was a few days ago and somehow it seems to have died in that time. Without me using it at all.

At this time I am fuming. And frustrated. I could have stopped after my first orgasm, but now I need something to make it all better. Luckily I have one more ace on my sleeve. The Ann Summers Climax Rechargeable Bullet. Yes, you cringe. So do I, as I don’t like Ann Summers as a company at all. But this bullet has never let me down. It is rumbly, keeps charge for a long time and never fails to get me off.

This time is no exception. Soon I am in the throes of another orgasm, my body limp, my legs shaking and I feel that the whole evening has not been a waste after all. All I want to do now is roll over, pull the covers over me and go to sleep. Unfortunately I have to wash four sex toys, get my PJs on (my youngest still comes into our bed occasionally) and clean up all the paraphernalia. Then I have to jot down some notes regarding the toys I tried out so I won’t forget what I thought. Only then is it time to sleep.